The more still I become, the angrier I feel. I vibrate anger these days. Friends comment on it. Family notices it. It seeps out of me, like a tar, intense and thick.
Shoulder muscles ache as I sit or lie in stillness to “feel” the rage. To try and just experience it and not try to control it or change it or cover it. To just feel it.
It comes in waves, exploding, before settling back into my cells, smoothing out, lying in wait until the next thing comes along to trigger it.
I’ve never experienced anything like this, or rather, been conscious of experiencing anything like this before. And so far, all I’ve found is that I’m really bad at navigating this rage. It comes from someplace so deep, a place that’s been silenced and gated off for what feels like a very long time.
This feels like the theme behind all of it. Two people have used the word ‘resentment’ when describing their witnessing of this rage, saying it seems like I’m resentful.
And that’s how it feels to me too. I feel resentment towards people because of relationships in which I was hurt. And most usually the hurt comes from being abandoned in a situation. Being left to fend for myself, or being taken advantage of. But typing these words out makes me feel icky because it just reeks of victimization. This type of hurt, this resentment feels immature.
Melissa Dinwiddie writes that “…resentment isn’t anger with someone else at all; resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.”
So really my anger and resentment is towards myself for intricating myself with people and relationships that are not in alignment with my values; for not being clear with boundaries or respecting my intuition.
Even the abandonment and anger I feel related to my father are, at this point, emotions that I’m choosing to relive through a lens that allows me a foundation from which to build this catalog of abandonments. A catalog that gives me permission to feel resentful and lay claim to the label of victim.
But I don’t want to carry or continue to originate my life’s stories from this catalog anymore. I want to transmute or shed this energetic weight, this layer of resentment and anger that has become steeped into my cellular being.
And most recently, if I hadn’t laid to the wayside any number of clear signs that were there for me to see, I would have never been in the position to be abandoned by a self-absorbed prick.
The responsibility I have to take is that there are a lot of situations in my life where I don’t hold people to the same standards I hold for myself.
And when I don’t pay attention to my intuition or stay cognizant of my boundaries, I end up working with, loving and being friends with people who don’t value or respect the things I hold highest. This isn’t productive at all. Nor is it pleasant.
Because my resentment begins to bleed out all over everything and everyone. I lash out at the people who do bring value to my life in an effort to “test” them. To see how much they can prove that they love me. So that I can be sure of their loyalty to me. To be sure that they won’t ever abandon me.
All of this is obviously lower realm, low consciousness.
The reality is that I ignore blatant signs and negative data from people who very clearly shouldn’t be trusted, and then put my tribe to the test to make up for the shortcomings of the ones who I’ve allowed to wreak havoc on my energetic being.
Intentions moving forward:
∆ Stay clear on my boundaries and values.
∆ Be quick to cut people and relationships out of my life the moment they reveal themselves to not be in alignment with those boundaries and values.
∆ Take responsibility for my participation in relationships and situations that don’t serve the values I claim to hold highest.
all the love