I spent five hours Friday night bouncing through a wild range of emotions. From love to hate, happiness to rage, and feelings of calm to explosive outbursts.
The person I loved so dearly. The person I became so energetically connected with that I can still physically FEEL when he so much as even considers communicating with me. That person. That person threw me away like a piece of trash and made it clear that I meant absolutely nothing to him.
And although it’s been five and a half months, the pain is still living here. It has changed forms. From shock to devastation to confusion to depression to numbness and on and on. It’s been bandaged over in the past two months, but when it comes down to the Truth. The Truth is it’s still as raw and painful as ever.
Only now it’s accompanied by a rage that lashes out uncontrollably at times when I haven’t paid extra special attention to keep it leashed and proper and lady like. And the fact that I have to be the one to manage this rage enrages me even more.
HE. HE. HE. He should be the one that has to manage this. HE should be the one carrying the weight and shame of humiliation and rage. HE should be the one living with the regret of pushing people away.
Trying hard not to beat myself up. Trying hard to forgive myself for lashing out at two people who’ve done nothing but hold me up and support me through this nightmare. They’ve both forgiven me with words, but I know that behavior and actions leave marks. And now. Now I’m just left with a Sadness that tells me to leave quietly and go away and not come back.
Everyone says, “This is good. Be glad. You’re better off. You win in this.” But the truth is, I don’t win. He annihilated my sense of being, destroyed my offering of love, humiliated me for placing trust and made publicly known how inappropriate my vulnerability for him was. How absolutely and utterly unreciprocated it all was.
So how do you forget this? How do you just let it go? How do you tell every fucking person who tells you these stupid fucking words to just leave you the fuck alone and that you never want to see or hear from any of them ever again? How do you tell everyone that you just don’t trust them? Because you can’t even trust yourself anymore. Because you feel like a fool who can’t see clearly. A fool who can’t stop thinking about the dismissive behavior of someone who made it very clear that you weren’t even worth being kind to.
How do you tell people that the truth is that I still feel like a failure. A woman who isn’t mature enough to just be strong and handle the excruciating pain with grace and behave with composure. A woman who screams and points and yells and blames and takes her rage out on both strangers and the people who love her the most. A woman who tries to move on but just spins her wheels.
A woman who doesn’t feel better off. A woman who feels unfixable and abandoned. A woman who tortures herself with feelings of rage for someone who took advantage of her. ME — a person who is still living with what it feels like to have a person I trusted completely destroy the parts of my sense of self that I used to be proud about. The parts that now taunt me.
So many tears. So many layers to this devastation. I entrusted pieces of my being with a person who did not value those pieces at all. A person who said loud and clear “I place ZERO value on your emotional well being. Throwing you and your spirit and love away is more than easy. It’s a joy. Look how joyful it is for me to be free of you and your love.”