consciousnessmindfulnessshadow work

shifting from seeker to devotee

By October 19, 2015 2 Comments

For months I’ve been saying I feel lost, talking with people about how I’m waiting for a sign to make a move. I write and recite prayers, journal, walk, dance, read, cry, laugh, connect and wait to be given a clear indication of what to do next. But the babysitter I seek never arrives. She never appears.

And this morning I woke up with the distinct feeling that I’m living in an emotional Groundhog Day. As if I’m frozen into a state of inaction. A concrete bust sculpture of Rodin.

This feeling, even as I recognize that I’m more fluid, more open and present than ever before. It’s probably my highest intentions these days… to stay present in each moment. So I do my best to return to breath when I catch my mind fretting quietly (or out loud to others) about hope and fear, old stories and what’s next.

Caroline Myss talks about how people are endlessly seeking and looking for where they belong or their highest potential / higher purpose / next step. And in response she asks…

“How is it at your age that you don’t know what you’re doing? How is that possible? How is it possible that at your age you don’t know what you believe? How is it possible that you have no idea what you believe in, or a sense of what it is that sustains you on the inside? How on earth is that possible? How is it possible that you have no idea, no clarity, no assurance of a God that you trust? Because the time comes when you have to know. When you have to look into yourself and ask ‘What do I believe?’

And so it is, that when the life of the Seeker stops, the life of the committed Devotee begins.

When you actually reach a point where you have to say, ‘I’m not searching anymore. I’ve been searching because I didn’t want to make a commitment to anything. Because I like the life of a Searcher, it is irresponsible. It doesn’t come with any commitments. I’m not as lost as I look.

There comes a point where a person has to say, ‘I actually need to put my feet to the fire and ask myself very different questions. The question ‘What is it I’m looking for?’ shifts to ‘What is it I actually believe?’ — a more mature question that requires going deeper. Instead of seeking outside you have to go inside.

My last post was on personal Values and so I think I’ll go back to that list and begin to ask myself the question.. What is it I actually believe?

What about you.. What do you believe in? What are your highest values?

all the love
aubrey

Join the discussion 2 Comments

  • alohaleya says:

    This post is so timely for me. I’m starting my Kundalini Yoga teacher training next week and feeling nerves about it, as I know it’s going to be a major lifestyle change and it means committing to that. I’ve been feeling exactly what you describe – that ultimately all that ‘searching’ is unfulfilling and it’s time to stop identifying myself as ‘commitment-phobic’ to avoid the responsibility of devotion and discipline. That feels like a good thing. 🙂

    • Aubrey says:

      First off.. congratulations on starting your teacher training! Very cool. And yeah, I never thought of my “seeking” as anything more than curiosity, but C Myss totally blew open my perspective on the habit/behavior. Thank you for taking the time to connect and share.