love & sex

disposable

By July 29, 2015 No Comments

Parading her around the people we know like I never existed. I’ve been completely erased mere days after he abandoned me with no warning. Him, making it known that he’s having the time of his life while EVERYONE knows I’m crushed down low, disintegrating day by day. And all I feel is a humiliation so deep. What a fool I was to think I was anything more to him than convenience.


Taking her to meet his family and to parties with our friends, introducing her around immediately after blindsiding me. I have never felt a deeper betrayal. A more callous disregard. A more shocking grief. My best friend of two years threw me in the trash with ZERO warning and has immediately and completely replaced me, leaving me with only the limpest of words, I know this was brutally abrupt.

And I’m sorry if you feel slighted by my sudden relationship with her. Please don’t think it takes away from anything we shared.

This flat language dripping flippant and apathetic out all over the place.
What a fool I was for falling for his charm and bullshit and helping to build up his maniacal ego.

Throwing this all in my face? Not taking true responsibility. Not doing ANYTHING to try and protect me. Why in the fuck are you letting her play by play the relationship all over social media? Why are you so INSISTENT on waving her around like a proud flag so IMMEDIATELY? Why do you feel the need to parade her around RIGHT NOW… like I never existed.

I will never understand the brutal callousness of these choices. I’ve never been more devastated or broken down by someone who claimed to love me, a friend.

I keep thinking I can get to a place of forgiving him. Of understanding that he wanted to leave, that he didn’t feel he could commit to me, or that I wasn’t the one–even this emotionally immature “one” bullshit I can understand–but then these things happen and I think… Even if that was the case, how could he be so heartless. Why does he have to flaunt how unaffected he is so publicly, so loudly?

My humiliation and grief grow and grow and grow and my ability to try and forgive him and move on diminish with each new betrayal. Each action he takes proves that my emotional well-being means nothing to him. I am not even a blip on the radar. His feelings for a perfect stranger.. someone he’s known for only a few weeks take PRIORITY over my emotional well-being.

It feels like I never existed. And for him, I guess I didn’t. I was just there. Convenient. But never tucked into a real place. Just left in his pocket, for his amusement, at his will, when he decides.