I’ve been seeking a more intense sexual experience for almost two years now. I tried to develop a more intimate bond with my last boyfriend, but was unable to find what I was looking for. I signed us up for a Tantra lesson, talked with him about the way I was feeling and thought about the subject at great lengths, just trying to get a handle on what exactly I felt wasn’t being satisfied.
It’s taken me until the last few months to be able to verbalize a more clear idea of what I’ve been looking for. Basically, I’ve moved into a place in my life where I’m looking to transcend past the physical part of sexual experiences and into a more connected and spiritual one. One where me and my partner are, in effect, melding together physically and moving as one in union.
This may sound ridiculous to some people, like “Ummm… duh. That’s what making love is supposed to be. What have you been doing?”
But sex as a true union between me and someone else has not been my experience up until this point. I haven’t felt the level of energy between me and someone else that I’d like to feel.
I’ve always felt comfortable in my sexuality in a physical aspect and with the way I feel about my body, but my focus has always been inward. In reading The Fantasy Bond, I realized that, for the most part, the sex I’ve been having is one where I’m with someone physically, but mentally and emotionally I’m not truly present because I’m off in my mind somewhere.
Reading the book, along with my regular yoga practice has helped me in being able to identify where my sense of dissatisfaction was coming from in my past relationship. Becoming more in tune with my body and starting to develop mindfulness has been, for me, the key to being able to understand my desire for deeper intimacy in a less abstract way.
Where as before I simply had a feeling that things could be more awesome, I now have a concrete idea of what I’d like to experience. Yoga is rewarding me with a flexible and healthy body, a nourished mind, and calm open chest – all of these are things I want incorporated into my sexual experiences. I want a shared experience with another person where there is a focus on breathing and slowing down our bodies together before falling in sync.
Maybe these things sound weird to people who have always lived a very physical experience, or one where they very naturally follow their intuition and go with feelings. But for me, this is new territory. I was born a very sensitive, feeling person, but due to early childhood experiences I learned to protect myself by becoming a more logical person. I’ve relied more on facts and contented myself with self-created illusions, rather than on the actual energy happening around me or inside of me, but the fact has always been that since as early as I can remember, I’ve always wanted more.
I’ve been voicing my desire to experience this type of intimacy to my close friends and a few weeks ago my words were heard. One of my best friends said she had a friend who often spoke about the same types of things I was talking about. She said he was passionate, honest, intelligent and into meditation. She’d told him about me as well.
We ended up meeting a few weekends back and clicked instantly, in part due I’m sure to the mindset we both had upon meeting. We were both aware that it was a set up situation. He was (and is) all the things my friend told me he was. We spent three days together that first weekend and another night together this last weekend.
My body and spirit felt so nourished by his touch and the way we made love. He referred to our time together as merging and I felt, for the first time, that the word was an accurate description of what was happening. This is due to a lot of factors, one being his willingness and ability to get to a level of exchange where we could share our energy openly and without reservation, and another factor being that I was in a place of being able to be present in the moments with him.
I was open to his energy, free with my own, and receptive to falling into oneness with him. When I felt myself tensing up or closing off, I used my breath to come back to the moment with him and just be. It felt incredible.
And so I now know this type of intimacy exists. There are things I’d like to continue working on especially in regards to being able to move out of my mind and into my body even more so that I’m experiencing intimate moments as almost purely physical and emotional. There was a moment over the weekend when he noted that I appeared at times to be an observer of the act, because I would stop at points to comment on something that was happening.
I smiled when he brought it to my attention because I’m a writer. I’ve always been an observer. So while I’d like to work on tuning that part out sometimes, I can’t promise that I will, or even want to, turn it off all the time.
Seeing how this was the first person I’ve been with intimately since my last relationship ended, this experience has been emotional. I feel extremely happy to know that what I felt was lacking in my sexual life before is indeed something that is achievable and not just some over the top fantasy.
But I also feel a bit sad.
I definitely felt exposed after joining with someone so intensely and then having to pull back into myself and return back to real life when the weekend was over. It’s kind of like the let down you feel when a vacation comes to an end and you know you have to be at the office tomorrow for work.
That being said, I’ve had a taste of exactly the type of sexual connection I’d like to pursue within the bounds of my next relationship. I now know how to identify and communicate what I need out of a sexual relationship with someone, which is almost like a goal for me now. And I know that in order to secure that goal, I have to continue to invest time and energy into my self work – meeting with my therapist to untangle old wounds, deepening my yoga practice and committing to a daily meditation discipline.