I’ve been denying my intuition for about a year. Constantly questioning the depth of my emotions within my now defunct romantic relationship, and battling daily to tune out all of the shadiness and lack of trust I felt from the place that I worked. I struggled to maintain that all was okay because I didn’t have the energy or courage to make the changes that would resolve the issues.
Everything was just barely good enough and I let it be like this for a year. And although each day felt a little like the last day, I still felt happiness most of the time. But I was also battling a growing internal interrogation. Craving a deep connection and legitimacy. The latter from my work and the former from my love life.
Then, in the early morning hours of November 1st, a force unbeknownst to myself raised up in rage and forced me to reckon with what I’d been holding in for so long.
I’m struggling to find the meaning in the immense sense of loss I’ve been experiencing these last four weeks.
My mind tells me that everything is random chance and these events have no higher meaning in the course of my life. Just a natural cycle of change.
My heart hopes that it’s the Universe’s way of clearing out a large space in my heart-mind-life. A large space that can hold an entirely new life. A better life.
And the very hopeful part of my heart takes it one step further, promising that the Universe was forced to clear this space for me because I was failing to take action on my own.
I continued to deny my intuition and there was no choice but to force out the things that I refused to handle myself. These things were forced out because a tidal wave of better-suited-for-me opportunities are coming my way and room had to be made.
I had plenty of chances to trust my gut and make changes. But I was complacent. Held stagnant by fears.