love & sex

extreme fear

By November 11, 2012 No Comments

Stacy Keck photoStaying on routine as much as possible, overbooking myself socially at times and just doing what needs to be done to move to the new place. These are the things that have kept me from falling into a pile of nothing.

My friend was kind enough to come by Saturday afternoon and help me continue packing, I couldn’t have finished without her support. I was definitely in a rough place. We took a break to grab some food and go bowling. Then we started packing again. I felt okay and even started to feel hopeful.

Then this morning came and brought with it a crushing sense of loss.

We went to breakfast and then out to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl flea market. It was distracting for awhile and nice to be outside in the sunshine, but I became overwhelmed very quickly with the fact that I wasn’t sharing this day with him.

I want to do these things with him. I don’t want to spend days with friends. I don’t want to look for someone new to share things with. I want it to be him.

extreme fear
crushing loss
overwhelming sadness

This is a fucking nightmare and I can’t get out. I can’t run fast enough to wake up into something different.

It’s heavy.
It’s terrifying.
It’s a combination of a thousand terrible feelings.

Can’t stop crying.